Why I put my creative endeavors on hold and permission for you to, too

Feelings of safety have become a false construct and increasingly more rare in today’s society. Rather, we take it for granted that we don’t have to worry about getting eaten by saber tooth tigers or being assaulted by people from other villages (thankful to live where we live and sending love to all current victims of war). You don’t need me to go into my spiel about the protective functions and mechanisms of our incredible autonomic nervous system, but I will say that I am so grateful for what those mechanisms are teaching me about my body and discerning what’s best for me. Also, many of the shadows I have been working through during this time have caused my “flight” response to be on high alert thus resulting in disassociation and the need for more rest. 

You see, I’ve taken a little bit of a hiatus on my creative work — ie, my book that I am writing and have been for longer than I’d like to admit. Writing this book has been a journey within itself, as creative endeavors often end of being. As soon as I had told the world that I am writing this book, it seemed like the flow of creativity was put on a huge pause. All my creative energy drained out of my body and my cells, in what I can only imagine to be in an effort to come back to this realistic feeling of safety. 

Quitting my job back in October was a huge transition for my nervous system; I had gone from the bread-winner who felt financially stable no matter how many hours I worked, to making less than $100 a week no matter how hard I worked. This was a complete shock to my internal system, as well as external.  This led me to disassociate (dorsal vagal response), which resulted in me overspending and hiding it in fear of the shame I would feel once I brought it to my awareness. I knew I was doing something wrong, but the anxiety I was feeling about the lack of control I had in my life was causing me to completely evade the facts. 

These past 3 months or so, since returning from Costa Rica, I’ve spent the majority of my energy maintaining my integrity in my relationship, gaining back financial stability, and kicking off my solo indo-prenuer adventures of being a movement mentor and meditation guide. 

Initially upon returning from the trip of a life time fully rested and energetic, I was feeling worthy of every bit of abundance that I was sure to be receiving when I began working at the meditation and healing center. As many new things go, this was not the case and I trudged through 3 months of frantic workshop and event planning with my business partner, in hopes that we could kick off our businesses and pursue our personal goals through networking and hosting classes in the community. There were many moments of disappointment and feeling totally crushed by the small turnout and lack of sign ups. Add in the unsolicited advice/words of “encouragement” we received many time - “it takes at least 2 years for any new business to see a profit”; but neither of us were willing to accept this as our truth. And I’m still not.

However, I am accepting that there are still some sacrifices that needed to be made. Because my passion is being rooted so deeply into this work that I am pursuing, I am taking it upon myself to do whatever it takes to keep my nervous system healthy during these weird transition times.  That means, for me, not addressing every aspect of my healing and shadow work when I am choosing to be creative. Healing is NOT my purpose, in the words of Toni Jones and so many other musicians that preach this important message — especially for us healing artists and light-workers. 

My book is a book of healing; healing poems and excerpts, lessons and stories. I want this to continue to be the case coming from the most wholesome and authentic place. My shadow-work at this stage is asking me to throw away a part of my ego that wants so badly to be different and unique. This lesson is the most difficult to own up to and practice when I am writing this beautiful piece of art. Especially because, well, the first 70 pages of my book seem to be strongly portraying this part of my ego-this part that is trying to prove myself worthy through my uniqueness. Not to mention, this shadow work I’m in the middle of doesn’t seem to have much creative spark. Simply put, I am allowing versions of myself to die without taking responsibility for the cognitive pieces. Because, thankfully for my brain who needed the rest, my body is doing the majority of the work. I feel it in my brain, but the words to describe what is happening are just not there…yet. 

All of this say, No I don’t need to prove myself or explain to anyone why I am not pursuing my book at this stage in my life. No one is waiting for deadlines (and if they were, they would understand) and no one is holding me accountable to this piece of art I GET to put out into the world. But, I am an advocate by nature. I know I’m not the only one who is feeling this way. So if there is something that you have had to put on hold because something else in your life (JUST as important) has had to take precedent, I see you. And it’s okay. We are allowed and able to hold so many aspects of ourselves at any given time— some we hold tighter and closer to us (for me, it’s my personal relationship with myself and my husband and financial stability) while others we need to loosen our grip on in order to gain back perspective.

So thank you, book (SELF), for allowing me this space. For giving me creative freedom to address you and come back to you when I feel full ready. And even if I never feel “fully” ready, I trust that this shadow work and this stage in my healing will guide me clearly to what I get to put my creative focus on. Thank you, Tara. You’re doing a great job.

And thank YOU for reading this choppy and challenging-to-write post. This was also an attempt to get my feet wet with posting my creative projects again - in hopes that maybe it will result in perpetual manifested action of being able to write in my book again. And if that doesn’t happen, that’s okay too. Because I’m learning to love all versions of myself- even the one that has to take things really really slow. 

So. Give yourself permission to go slow and ease back in. Take responsibility for how your nervous system is responding - validate and use it as information to guide you, not to shame yourself.  

Loving you all so big.