On Anger & Speaking Your Truth (Part 1)
There’s some really cool creative shit I could be working on right now. But I get to sit here and process instead because I’m fucking angry. I am so angry and it’s only boiling up inside me. I feel the need to express when I’m angry. Expressing on instagram isn’t enough, apparently. So here we are.
Do I want to tell you why I am angry? Hell yeah, but I truly have very few ideas; and the ones I do have don’t add up to the amount that I really deeply feel.
In fact, I see anger anymore and I laugh and look away acting like it never happened. I have been avoiding it… most of my life. But especially lately. And I noticed it just this last week watching movies with violence and how disassociated I became during fight scenes.
I’m sitting here feeling so angry that my writing isn’t coming as fluidly as I’d like but maybe that’s anger. I‘m so pissed that someone told me about how they had an aneurysm because they were drinking so much coffee and now I feel shame and guilt around drinking caffeine at all. I want to enjoy my fully loaded coffee, goddamnit.
Why is it that I take it to this extreme polar opposite end of the spectrum?
And why am I disassociating during angry outbursts? Fuck, how any times can I use the same word for that feeling? My Mom used to try and get us to read more; for a little while, we even had “Words of the week”s and she would ask my sister and I both about it all week long— to use it in a sentence or tell us the definition or would just model how it’s used in s sentence. Wishing now that I would have taken her more seriously. But I digress…
OK. Fuck. Why am I truly angry? I’m angry someone brought out so much opposition and hatred towards a group of people and that I couldn’t speak my truth in that moment. I’m angry how many times this has happened in my life time.
Why do I feel like I couldn’t speak my truth? Because instead of engaging in the conversation, I completely withdrew, while also [somehow] intensely listening.
Why is it bad that I withdrew? It’s not bad, but it felt like somehow spiritually bypassing.
A term I’m learning more and more about. I’m interpreting it as synonymous with “toxic positivity” in that it’s completely avoiding issues by trying to always have positive outlooks for everything.
There’s not a positive outlook in my brain for me in a lot of ways right now and I’m truly trying to tell myself that that’s okay. It’s okay I have a million “shoulds” in my brain, but that none of them feel fueled by trust in source. They feel like they’re driven by urgency, worry, and anxiety. So I’m ignoring them; but am I being overly positive and unrealistic?
It occurred to me last night that I may just be swinging in that direction. Which is okay! I’m telling myself that it is at least. I think it’s important to validate where we’re at as being “perfectly imperfect” or however you want to put it. I tell myself that this is exactly where I’m supposed to be in my journey. Universe will tell me otherwise.
But I do get frustrated and impatient so I start to force. I force ideas and thoughts into action and they become a crutch until the actual issue becomes a little bigger than I planned for. This, for me, happened in a matter of weeks. It’s making me fuming (finally looked it up;) and amped just thinking about.
Ultimately, I am angry at myself. But that’s not helping me get to my root issues because I know deep down that there are people I want to be angry at so badly, but the urge to forgive and move on is so deeply engrained. Because at the end of the day, I am angry I didn’t have the tools or the personal power to trust myself. That I Allowed so many humans in powerful positions to tell me what to do and how I should see myself; I let it keep me up for countless nights and felt like such a victim. And I share this now not to get pity or empathy, but because I am validating how much hurt I felt and how hard I worked to try to protect myself. I have to in order to move forward from this anger.
But what if there’s more than just processing the reasons and the humans who actually hurt me?
What if it’s just time for integrating and allowing these emotions to sizzle and bubble as the residual gases leave my body. I know that sounds so sexy, but this shit isn’t sexy one bit.
And maybe that’s something else that brings me anger. How UN sexy I feel in all of this. And alas, Chaz couldn’t find me sexier (So fucking grateful for that man).
In the end, I think I do feel gratitude. But I think there’s some anger still there too. And I think I have allowed my overly positive mindset to cloud some of my visions of what it feels to be angry. And to allow the anger to filter through while I’m meditating. While I’m feeling a lot of feelings. While I’m sitting here (man, I sit a lot) completely vulnerable and raw in front of Chaz, who I try so hard to put on a positive face for.
So, I guess this post can sorta serve as a powerful reminder. Feel your feelings even if you have no fucking idea what that is supposed to look like or even means. Feel your feelings and remind yourself you are in such a safe space to do so. Listen to angry music if anger isn’t a feeling you’re used to. Cry about something you haven’t cried about in a long time just to get it out. Do whatever it is that makes you feel a little more connected to your heart and above all, the earth. Source. Love.
We are love and love isn’t always happy. Love can feel like so many other feelings so allow the ones too.
Thank you, again, from the bottom of my heart for reading and holding so much space always.
Love & Light,
Tara Lynn C.